I've been thinking a lot lately. About music, about trying to become a professional composer. Actually, it's been a longtime dream of mine, working on video games, movies, animations, as a composer - probably one of the thoughts that made me try again and again to improve myself. And now that I begin to have a decent level, decent gear, etc, I am less and less interested in this.
I've been able to work on several projects already - nothing really "professional" yet, some machinimas, some little games, only made by hobbyists who do it only out of passion. Eventually, some of these projects grew, and more and more, I felt working with them - or working with people, generally - was becoming "industrial" in some way. This made me wonder how the professional music industry works - if it's a matter of quantity instead of quality, I'd happily give up that mad dream I had. For one single reason.
I don't want my music to become industrial. I don't wan't to be restrained by things like productivity or deadlines, neither I want to stick to a project for years, doing the same thing again and again. I now want to have full creative freedom, to be able to express what I want to, without having to rush it because "we already announced the release date" or other similar reasons. And lately, music wasn't a hobby to me anymore - just another woadload I was bored carrying. Probably I just need a change of scenery, probably staying on the same projects for a long time didn't help, but I don't even want to work on collaborative projects, at least for now. I only want to make music I like.
By the way, I am especially grateful to everyone who contributed in some way to the Newgrounds Underdogs Contest or to the Summoner Of Sounds challenges at rpgmaker.net, because this is where I learned to enjoy making music again. And, of course, I am not blaming the people I've been working with. They're great, I probably just need to go back to the good old time when I had no obligations.
Did anyone felt this way before ? I actually don't know if it's because working on projects is not for me at all, or if it's because I spent like two years working on the same project and can't bear it anymore. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments ;)